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My poor little girl. Red faced. And hyperventilating. Grieving her friends. And just heard that her best friend was making fun of her. All of that happened because Satan did not feel in control at the Merry Christmas Team Jesus vintage shirt and I love this moment. She had to regain that feeling by any means necessary. She didn’t care that those two girls needed each other at that time. She didn’t care that it hurt my daughter down to her soul to hear what her best friend had said about her. She didn’t care that they were grieving. All she cared about was in her mind, the fact they wanted to come home meant she was being abandoned. Satan still tells this story like I’m the one that was out of line. They have to reign supreme by any means. They will destroy their own children to do so. By elevating themselves they destroy the child. The child in turn becomes narcissistic to survive in being raised in Hell. Their narcissism developing over time learning from the one they seek approval from. Mirroring Satan. I struggle to write this because I really do have a loving mother, and I believe she did the very best as she knew how when she raised me. I love her very much and we are close now, and she’s such an important part of my family’s and kids’ lives. With that said, there are several things that she has said and done over the years that have had a negative effect on my self esteem, my aspirations, and my self value. One is that my mom has very strongly-held gender views, which she projected on me. As a child, I was always a tomboy- more into playing outside digging in dirt, climbing trees, playing sports, than doing more traditionally girly things. I always sensed that this bothered her somewhat, as she always nagged me to be more ladylike, act like a lady, and commented on how ungrateful I was. Not that I ever really cared about any of those things as a child, but these comments did become ingrained in my “truth” about myself, and even now, I have to fight the belief that I can’t be graceful or that I am not womanly enough. Well I hope you want to live alone in a trailer in the desert and never have children or a family. And at that point I lost interest in all things related to science- that’s when I got the message that science careers weren’t for girls- because who would want to marry a girl to live in a trailer in the desert?
Merry Christmas Team Jesus vintage shirt, hoodie, tank top, sweater and long sleeve t-shirt
And so that sentiment kind of became a theme that my mom used to manipulate me as I got older. I continued in my persuit of sports and more outdoorsy activities, rather than home-based interests. I have never liked cooking, baking, cleaning, or typically housewife/homemaking types of activities. My mom would frequently make comments to me or about me, such as, if you don’t learn/do XYZ, you’ll never find someone to marry you,” or “how will you ever find a husband if you don’t like to cook/clean/iron, etc.? or I don’t have to worry about her getting married.” Maybe these are seemingly silly comments, but as a young teenager, I just believed her, and I believed that no boy or man would ever have any interest in me. I believed that if I didn’t cook, clean, and take care of a man then I had no value as a woman or couldnt be loved as a wife. So I was shocked and surprised when eventually guys were interested in me romantically, despite all of my shortcomings. And for a long time, I felt that I wasn’t worthy of men’s attention and affection, and that I could never be “wife material” to them. Sometimes I entered into or stayed in relationships with men because, how could I be so lucky to find someone willing to love me, when I have nothing to offer that a “good wife” offers her man? Who else would ever want me? I am married to a good man who loves me and my bad cooking and have kids of my own now, but I still fight these thoughts on a daily basis that I am not good enough to be a wife and a mother. Even when I got married, I remember my mom expressing how surprised she was that I was getting married, that I found a husband who would “put up” with me, etc. and I really have to fight the Merry Christmas Team Jesus vintage shirt and I love this feeling that I don’t deserve to have a good husband or deserve the wonderful life we live together. Also, my mother was very young- a teenager- when she had me, so I think growing up, I was treated as a refection of her, of her parenting skills- I was proof that, even though she was so young, she could do it. So my mom was strict, and I dare not ever get out of line. That, in itself, is not really a big deal- many kids have strict parents, and that’s ok. But my mom influenced my behavior through fear and shame.